It started with a thought. “ You do not belong here, and you should quit” I asked myself how did I get here and why was I thinking this. I was standing in the woods with other people around me in a nature course.

  It happened gradually and without ever knowing it was happening to me. I took my life goals pretty seriously, family, home and career. Growing up I thought there was a formula. You work harder than the next guy, you don’t complain, hone your skills and you accept the suck. The formula was simple: rinse and repeat and you will get what you want.

    My only reprieve was my immeasurable love for nature. Be it following a track, creating from natural materials to also trying to own every book on subject for the outdoors. Every moment from childhood was about nature and the outdoors. Every moment was spent on how do I get back to my safe place in nature.

“Whenever we touch nature we get clean.”

—,Carl Jung

   Then one day it was all gone. No hikes in the woods, no time spent outdoors, no connection to nature. Everything that made me who I am as a person was gone.  It was always there but I did not want to be there. My thoughts were no longer about the outdoors. So now you wonder what happened? Where did this come from? Why did this happen?

  You know in the scary movies there is a black shadow that creeps out of the corner and takes over the room. Visually that is what I imagine when you struggle with mental health. It started off as a little shadow in the corner and it gradually filled the room until it felt like total darkness. I replaced my love for mother nature with the embrace the suck, work harder then the next guy formula I was told would lead to happiness. Even though I was following the formula, I was not getting the results I thought.

   My career has always been in the trades as an electrician or facilities maintenance technician. Professions that are based on results. The harder and faster you work the better you will be. My work life has started to creep in. I was always in a state of motion. I was the answer when no one else knew what to do. I was losing sleep over actions or conversations I had earlier that day. Trying to meet the deadlines or provide the answers others needed.

   At first I knew something was just off? It is like you know you are supposed to be somewhere or doing something, but you just can't put your finger on it. I was thinking medication could solve the problem. A visit with my doctor took less than thirty minutes. My diagnosis was I just needed a little help with a serotonin level to help with my mental health. A prescription of an paroxetine, a (SSRI) selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. To help with the mood and improve interest in daily life. In the moment it provided relief from all the noise.

   The problem with the medication is it was a temporary solution for a permanent problem. Something I did not have the skill sets at the time to deal with. In retrospect I should have had additional counseling and support. The problem with me and SSRI’s is it numbed the feelings so much, that everything was numb. There were no highs or lows, no happiness or sadness. Just a state of existence to everything on the medication for nine years.

  My life at this time in the journey. Was just step by step moving through the world. I still believed that if you do what you're told and follow everyone else you will be rewarded. I did not feel happiness or sadness as others were feeling. My excitement of meeting someone new for the first time or greeting family was just  a movement through the world. The noise was still there in the background, but muted. Every once in a while something would get through for a moment. This leads to the next part of my journey.

   You know the universe has a great way of slapping you upside the head and saying to pay attention. I was pretty deep and wanted to figure out a way to fix this. I remember that I always seeked solace in nature and have always remembered where my safe place was. I needed to get back.

Now this is where we turn the darkness to light. If you know me personally everything I do, I dive in deep. It started with a couple of forums, podcasts and google searches on SSRI’s. The more I read the more I needed to get off the medication. I went to the same doctor and said I am quitting this and want to deal with this naturally. I quit cold turkey that day. In the following weeks the flood gates opened, all that emotions I medicated for so long came like a tidal wave. I was able to feel happiness and sadness to the fullest again. Having a clearer thought instead of in a fog I knew I was not able to deal with this alone. Reaching out for support from family and therapists to help manage this was the best decision I made.

I began to learn the process of where my thoughts and emotions came from. Working with a therapist and using Carl Jung's techniques of shadow work. I was slowly able to understand myself and my relation to the people and the world around me. The understanding of how nature works and we are all part of a greater world. The shadow work really resonated with me and how I am a part of more. So where am I now?

  I am retiring from work that was the cause of a lot of the problems. I will be working for PNWBUSHCRAFT full time, where my passion for the outdoors really belongs.. I have fully stepped back into nature. It has always been there waiting for me. It knew I needed to find my way and go on this journey. My passion for tracking, wildlife and wilderness skills has all come back more than I could ever imagine. The joy you get from creating an ember from a bow drill. The excitement from following a track line. Having your breath taken away from a high mountain peak. I get to enjoy them all for a second time.

 Remember in the beginning when I said “ You do not belong here, and you should quit”. I now know I do belong, and I won’t quit. We all belong in nature and we all have journeys to follow.  What did my journey show me? Nature is not a place, it's a way of living. You are part of a greater world and how you move with it will provide everything you need.